Even
though he is a Pastor, Mark Gungor says these rules of relational physics affect
everybody whether you believe in God or not – rather like the laws of physics
in nature. And if you are perhaps experiencing trouble in your relationships,
it’s probably because you’re breaking one or more of these rules. It’s also
likely that the other person in your relationship – whatever sort it might be –
is breaking the rules right along with you. Mark separates these rules into
typical Men vs. Women stereotypes, because no two groups of people have such a
strong tendency to think so radically different from each other – and in rather
specific ways – than men and women. If these rules don’t apply to you exactly,
don’t have a fit, just interpolate for yourself. These rules don’t go into all
the shades of gray.
Rule 1 – Boxes and the Big Ball o’ Wire
Men – Their brains are
made up of little boxes, there’s a box for every conceivable subject, and the
boxes DON’T TOUCH EACH OTHER.
Women – Their brains are
made up of a big ball of wire which connects everything to everything, and it’s
all driven by the energy we call emotion. Important Note: If you ever tell a
person with this kind of brain that their feelings IN ANY WAY don’t matter, you
are a nitwit who wishes to be stabbed.
Rule 2 – Stress
Men – Men have a box in
their brains with nothing in it. Appropriately, it is called the “Nothing Box,”
and it is where a man goes any time he has a chance, especially if he is
stressed out. This is how a man can do something seemingly completely brain-dead
for hours on end, like fishing or mindless channel surfing on the TV.
Women – Women need to
talk about whatever stresses them out – they don’t have a “Nothing Box” nor can
they ever understand it the way a guy can. If a woman doesn’t talk about her
stress, her brain will literally explode. If you happen to be the one this
woman needs to talk to, it is important that you just shut up and listen. She
doesn’t want your help or your advice, no matter how good you think it would
be.
Important Note: Men and women often
try to offer to each other their own solutions to stress, but if you know
someone who has the typical “man brain” and can sense that they’re stressed
out, just let them go to their nothing box – and don’t try following them.
Likewise if you know someone with the typical “woman brain” who is stressed,
let them talk to you as you sit down, shut up, and listen.
Rule 3 – Remembering Details
Men – With as much time as
men like to spend in the nothing box – not feeling or thinking about anything –
men don’t really hang on to a lot of details, and when they tell a story or,
for example, recount what the plumber said, it is usually just the bottom line.
Women – As women’s brains
are driven so much by emotion, they have a strong tendency to remember
EVERYTHING, and when they tell a story of, say, something that happened at work
today, they don’t just say what happened, the relive the entire event,
practically transporting you into their experience.
Rule 4 – Single-tasking and Multi-tasking
(Communication)
Men – Men are
single-taskers; they can focus well on one thing and do that one thing
extremely well, but it shuts down their brain to any other tasks, including to
the task of listening. If you see a man doing something, unless you know he’s
wired differently, you can assume that he cannot hear anything going on around
him.
Women – The typical woman
is a master of multi-tasking; capable of holding three different conversations,
watching TV, cooking dinner, and reading a book, all at the same time. Important
Note: Many women automatically make the assumption that multi-tasking comes as
easily to anyone else, including men, as it does to them. Remember, that if you
have vital information to give to someone, to make sure first that they are
listening.
Rule 5 – Sex and the Heart
Connection
Men – Typically men are
much more interested in sex than women. And they are not actually driven in
this area so much by their brains, or by their hearts, but by the chemical testosterone.
This little hormone running in their blood drives them crazy.
Women – Women are much
more interested in connecting with others, especially their husband if they’re
married, on a deep meaningful level.
Important Note: It is
not accurate to think that typical women are not interested in sex, or that a
typical guy has no interest in touching another person’s heart. It’s simply an
order of priority. The best example of this working well is in a marriage
relationship, where both the husband and wife recognize what their partner
wants and, in giving that thing to them, open the door to obtaining what they
themselves want from their partner and both end up very satisfied and connected
to each other in a very meaningful way.
Rule 6 – Giving and Taking
Men – They love to take.
They compete-taking, do business-taking, etc. Taking is a man’s default mode. Men
need to learn how to give to have more success in their relationships with the women-brained.
Women especially love unexpected kindnesses.
Women – They love to
give. Women often think that they can inspire a man to give rather than just
take, by simply giving more, because women love to give; that is their
preferred course of action. They need to learn how to take, in their
relationships. Important
Note: Mark Gungor places much more emphasis on WOMEN needing to learn about
this, about putting conditions in place in your relationships, and he even
gives a few tips for how to get a man to do stuff for you.
1. Ask
him more than once.
2. Don’t
try to use insult as a way to motivate him.
3. Train
him with positive reinforcement. (Appreciation)
4. Barter
with him.
Rule 7 – Self-Esteem
Men – They tend to think
quite highly of themselves. It isn’t hard for your typical man to see what other
people may find pleasing about him.
Women – They tend to
suffer from lowered self-esteem. This applies primarily to North-American, Caucasian
women. Important Note: Remember that the single most attractive quality that a
woman – or anyone – can possess is confidence; it’s not about how tall, short,
fat, skinny, dark, pale, oily, or whatever it is you may think you are.
Rule 8 – Themes
Men – There’s something
in the hearts of ALL men that lights up at the idea of overcoming obstacles,
conquering the adversary, and living your dreams – the more dangerous or risky,
the better. (It wasn’t a woman who invented football)
Women – Women love – you’ll
see this in chick-flicks – to connect the “wires,” to nurture the relationships,
and to touch the hearts of people.
Important Note: There is one theme
that manifests itself in both the hearts of men and women: “the hero always
goes back for the girl.” This means not only the obvious – that women like to
be swept off their feet – but also that men have a god-given responsibility, or
calling, or role, or however you wish to phrase it, to always remember at the
end of the day – or anytime really – to return for their wife, children, or whatever
other loved ones he might have because all the guts, gold, and glory in the
world means nothing without them.
Additional
Rules from Mark Gungor’s “How to Stay Together and Not Kill Anybody”:
Extra Rule 1 – Avoid Bitterness and Resentment
(Keeping Score)
Men
– Men like giving themselves huge bonus points for everything they do. Which is
why, at the end of the day, a man has no problem coming home from work, which
is worth about 2000 points, and then doing nothing helpful, because all those
small things, washing dishes, picking up after the kids, doing the laundry,
etc. don’t mean anything to him.
Women
– Women score any act of goodness or kindness, big or small, with a single
point. Going to work and earning a pay check is worth a single point, as is
planning a special evening out, as is buying her a single rose, as is making
the bed in the morning.
How a Man Can Score Big With a Woman – Focus on
doing a bunch of small things for her, engage her in meaningful conversation –
whatever she wants to talk about, and, whenever you plan something big and
special, tell her ahead of time what you’re planning – never try to surprise a
woman!
How a Woman Can Score Big With a Man – You need
to be his biggest fan. To the inexperienced, this may sound quite simple, but
that’s just because you don’t yet know how many erroneously stupid ideas a man
can come up with; this is something you’ll have to work at. And there is no
bigger fan a man should have than his wife.
Extra Rule 2 – Keep the Reset Button Handy
(Forgiveness)
If
the score becomes unbalanced, you might just have to let it go. Nobody’s
perfect, so this happens often in relationships and you better be sure you know
how to forgive others. Forgiveness, if you didn’t know, is an act, it is not an
emotion nor is it an instant erasure of your memory. Simply put, you must
choose to never again speak of whatever transgressions others have committed
against you and to never again use it against them. Sometimes it helps to set
up a special signal, something specific you can do or say that will let someone
know that they’ve been officially pardoned. Any emotional damage that’s been
done however will still need to be worked on if you want your relationship to
fully recover.
Hopefully, you’ve found this to be helpful; I
wish everyone the best for whatever relationships you may be in. God bless you!
